Years ago, in the midst of college, I started this blog to make order of my thoughts. An unnoticeable speck on the internet- hence the name. It was never intended to be read by others, and I don't think it was. I wrote a few posts about career paths I may take, class schedules, birth doula training. I have since unpublished them. There was a lot of space between entries, and each contained planning. If I could just lay out my plan for life, I thought it would give me an idea of who I was, what I needed to do, and how happy I would be once the goals were achieved.
But now life is filled with a welcome yet frightening uncertainty. It has new flavors for what I consider a form of nervousness - excitement and anticipation instead of anxiety. I'm trying to cut down on expectations for myself and others. After all, attachment leads to suffering. I'm trying to balance stillness with meaningful movement instead of accepting constant uncomfortable jitters.
Time changes us. People change us. We make the best decisions we can with the information we have at the time. This new version of the blog is not an attempt to publicly declare who I am, as even I don't expect to find that out. No, this is the result of years of frustration and learning, questioning and investigating, stopping and changing. This is the closest thing I have to understanding, answers, and solutions, and it is still riddled with doubts.
Previously I wanted to enter the healthcare field, to be a medical provider and interact with patients, person-to-person, educating them about health and helping them make informed decisions regarding their care and lifestyle. But after seeing how much pressure is placed on achieving the bottom line in medicine, I'm concerned that not only would I be unable to make much of an impact, but would become another cynical, emotionally burnt-out part of the problem.
I see so much apathy from providers and patients, one often reinforcing the other. I don't know how to solve this. I don't know if it will ever be solved. But I want to help those people who are trying to understand their bodies, their diseases (or "dis-eases"), their options, yet aren't given the time and space necessary to do so. This is what drew me to work as a doula, and it still calls.
Currently I'm looking towards other fields for a career. The future is open, and I'm only starting to recognize where I may fit in this ever-changing world. Still, I want to use what I have learned so far to help people make informed decisions about their healthcare, to understand their minds and bodies better, and to live healthier, happier, fuller lives. I may not know many of the solutions, but I can find the holes and problems.
My first step towards helping others is to use my background, however limited, to translate current medical research for the public. Doctors are so busy with their back-to-back 10 minute appointments and hours of paperwork that most don't have the time (or interest) to read the latest research and transition their care plans accordingly. They're tired. They're running on empty. They're limited by institution policies. They have a routine. I understand. But when fear or apathy cause poor health outcomes, when time constraints lead to lack of education or prevention, and when a patient asking for help and compassion gets test results read during a rushed visit, someone needs to fill these gaps.
As a disclaimer, I don't have any formal medical training, just an interest in medicine and patient-centered health. Do not take what I say as medical advise. Information changes quickly, and what you see may not be the most up-to-date material. Do your own research. Keep asking questions.
This is just what I've learned and what I think. It's not infallible. It's not meant to be "right." It's only meant to give another perspective, to spend some time, and to help others find their own answers and not feel alone or ignored. Eventually I'd like to have a credentialed support team and make a place that gives providers a resource for patients when there is not enough time to cover the individual's diverse needs. But for now, this is what I can do. And so I shall.
